Did you know that in the Beatles song, “I Am The Walrus,” John Lennon doesn’t say “Koo Koo Kachoo,” but actually says “Goo Goo G’Joob?” I sure didn’t, but frantic googling while writing this showed me the truth. Acid’s a strange drug.
Anyway, after seeing this picture, I think we can all agree that it’s a crying shame there’s only one Mike Holmgren. Or, that every walrus in the world doesn’t have a Mike Holmgren face. Just think about how much more fun the zoo would be if you could stop by the Holmgren exhibit and scream “WHY DID YOU TAKE A 28-YEAR-OLD QUARTERBACK IN THE FIRST ROUND” until you’re red in the face.
Or, if you’re one of those sickos who hangs out in the “Dawg Pound,” you could probably find Holmgren hanging around the streets of Cleveland – or wherever walrus/coach hybrids live – in his free time now that he has been fired (he technically retired, just like Terry Francona “resigned”) from his position as team president. He’s going to remain with the team for the remainder of the year to help the team make a transition from him to his successor, but he won’t be making personnel decisions anymore.
It makes sense. The Browns were just 10-28 since Holmgren became president in 2010, and new owner Jimmy Haslam III (no relation to Udonis) didn’t want the team to continue to be the worst organization in professional sports anymore. So he hired big Walrus Holmgren so he could get someone in the president’s chair who actually knows what he’s doing. And, you know, doesn’t draft Brandon Weeden in the first round when the team is going to go 0-16 anyway and be forced to take either Geno Smith or Matt Barkley this year.
This might be the end of the “former successful coach becomes a team president” routine now that we’ve seen that it doesn’t work. The Dolphins tried it with Bill Parcells, and what they got was a whole bunch of nothing. Then the Browns hired Holmgren and were even worse.
On the bright side, pairing Holmgren and Parcells together for a sitcom called “The Tuna And The Walrus,” is a great idea and would be significantly more successful then either of the teams they ran at the end of their careers. Are you telling me that you wouldn’t sit down and watch a show about Parcells and Holmgren living together in a small New York City apartment complex, trying to find their way in the world while eating Chinese food every night and secretly both sleeping with the hot neighbor. I’d watch. I’d watch every single episode.
